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Title:	Replay. Rewind. Erase. Impossible.
Date:	2009-07-19 @ 13:49
Security:	public

Think before you speak. Isn't that easy? Process the words you're about to say and analyze what would happen. Apparently, this process doesn't suit you. Funny how.. you analyze everything else, but this. Did you know, your words stabbed me in the heart? That your words replay like a broken record in my head every so often? Do you realize how much of an impact your words left on my life? How much it scarred me?

Best friends forever. Is what the bracelet said when she gave it to me that day.

"I can't believe it's been two whole years we've been friends!" I jumped around with the bracelet and let it shine in the sun. The silver butterflies on the side smile back at me.

"I know right!" Tabi slapped my shoulder. This was back in eighth grade. A year after we met. Tabitha and I have been friends since sixth but got closer in eighth. We were like two peas in a pod. Ham and cheese. Peanut butter and jelly. We could finish each others' sentences. When someone couldn't understand what one of us were talking about, the other came in and explained it because only she understood.

"Can you believe tomorrow's the first day of high school, Mina?" Tabi's eyes filled with excitement. Tomorrow was our first day as freshmen of high school.

"Yes! I wonder if there are any hot guys. We can finally get out of our weird middle school and onto older hot guys." I imagined it. Meeting my hot dream senior boyfriend in the gym while I was practicing my cheer leading moves.

Tabi's phone rang. What am I suppose to do when it's ~~~ all a lie. She ran up to her phone and slip it up.

"Hi Mom. Yes. Now? Why? But ... Okay. Fine." Tabi's face filled with disappointment.

"My mom said I have to go home since tomorrow's school." Tabi wanted to paint our nails, try out some make up, and prepare to look "sexy" for tomorrow.

"Awwww. Why! She's such a control freak!" I fell onto my bed.

"Shut up Mina. Your mom isn't any better than MY mom. If you could come to MY house this wouldn't have happened." I grabbed my hello kitty head pillow and threw it at her head.

"Say that again!" I stood up and smirked.

"Pfft. Anyways, I should get going." Tabi gathered her belongings and I walked her downstairs. She hugged me and left.

If I knew things weren't ever going to be the same after this moment, I would have held onto her. Beg her that if I ever did anything wrong. If she couldn't take it anymore... to tell me.

The first year of high school was fun. No boyfriends. Just hard friendship problems with people who didn't deserve my trust. Tabi was still my best friend. That's all that mattered. Then sophomore year came... Rewinding these memories from the past... Replaying it in my head, it burns, it stings.. Erasing it... but it's ... Impossible.

It all started when we found out we had no class together whatsoever.

"Mina!!!! I can't believe we... don't have classes together!" Tabi threw her books down on the ground. She came over my house after summer school, like always.

"I know right! But it doesn't matter. We will still hang-out during lunch!" I turned on my desktop computer.

"Yeah. That's true but who would I talk to in the classes now!" Tabi whined.

"You need to learn how to be a people's person Tabi. Plus, your cousin is in your classes and Danny and Amber. You'll be fine." Of course, I was sad that my best friend wouldn't be in my classes but it's not like we won't see each other during school.

"Hahaha. You're right. But I'll miss having you in my class." Tabi sat down on my bed and looked up on my korean pop artist posters that hung on the ceiling.

"Me too."

***

Sophomore year started. All went good for the first quarter. We would constantly talk during lunch. She would save me a seat, I would save her one. We told each other how our classes were. She, being in AP honors, while I was in regular honors. My unbearable band hours to her parents nagging her to work. Then second quarter hit, and it went downhill. She barely talked to me. Ignored me when group conversations started. Didn't bother asking me how my classes were when I asked about hers. She gave me the cold treatment. Pretended I wasn't there. It was like I was casper to her. All of this happened because of my boyfriend. Tabi knew that the only person I trusted with my problems was her. That she was the only person I went to help for. She seemed fed up with my long rants about my boyfriend. One day, I finally cracked and confronted her. I pulled her to the side of the gym to talk to her.

"Tabi, why are you ignoring me? Did I do something wrong? Is it because I always talk about Harry?" Tabi's pocker face was the best. I could not tell if she was surprised, angry, or sad.

"Mina. I can't stand you. You're too complicating for me. You know how I am. I cannot stand these kinds of friendships. I told you I'd try my best but really, I can't. I'm managing school, my family, my job, everything. I don't know how I can put you into this?" My heart dropped. How can my best friend say this to me? I understand her priorities are different from mines. That school was important to her.

"I'm sorry. I honestly don't think, you're one of my top three priorities." And just like that, a hole grew in my heart. I don't expect the perfect best friend. I don't expect... anything. Why did I ... I thought I could trust her. That she would always be here for me. I gave up my time and effort. Even before this, she would make up excuses to not hang-out with me. She would not put effort into this friendship. Nothing. When I reflect back on it, my heart stinks to know that I put so much into it when she was just standing there making me pull a wagon all by myself. I believed that she would wake up eventually, but she didn't.

"Are you saying, I'm unimportant, Tabitha? That you don't want to be apart of my life. To never help? To resign as the title of my best friend? You should know that I only tell these things to people I trust. You are the very person who should understand how hard it is for me to express myself to people. To trust people. So all this time, I've been trying to keep this friendship up. Ever since I started dating Harry and I've been getting these problems, you just want to give up on me? What is a friend to you anyways? Do you think friends are just there to company you when they want? Say and go as they please? Well, fuck that. I'm not that kind of friend nor do I want a friend like that. If you want to be like that then so be it. You're not my best friend anymore." Tear streamed down my face. I couldn't hold in my anger. I ran. Ran out of her face. Ran out of everyone's way. My heart felt numb.

After this confrontation, it ended. She stopped talking to me. Stopped trying to talk to me. She left so many questions unanswered. She erased me from her life, completely. The best friend bracelet on my left wrist never touched my wrist again, it also never touched hers again. We went two different ways. Two different paths. Two different life styles. But her words burn in my mind. You're too complicating for me. I told you I'd try my best but really, I can't. I honestly don't think, you're one of my top three priorities.

How can a person heal from that? The paranoia of people rejecting me burns into my brain every single time I meet someone new. Someone who actually cares. Her words left a tattoo in my heart. If one person can do this to me... How many more can ?

The end.

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Title:	Untitled - Chapter 4
Date:	2008-10-26 @ 12:59
Security:	public
Music:	footsteps - HinSaru*

I find myself, following the same foosteps
every step I start to regret
everytime you're always on my mind
the time you left my side...
-Footsteps by HinSaru*

I ...

I love ...

I love you...

Assuming is bad. Jumping to the point is bad. These things can get you into deep shit. That's what I got myself into.

...Great.

---

Clack. Clack. Clack.

You shouldn't be sorry.

Clack. Clack. Clack.

It's not your fault.

Clack. Clack. Clack.

It was bound to happen.

"Wait, what the fuck did you just say?" he asked in angry tone.

Hahaha ! Tiffany. It's funny when you make him mad.

"What?" Everything stopped. Maybe even time.

"You said I liked someone else. How the fuck can you think that, Tiffany?" I could imagine David's mad face.

"Uhm."

"I wasn't even going to say that bullshit. I was going to say that my parents doesn't want us to talk anymore. What the fuck."

HAHAHAHAHA.

"But... you said sorry."

"Yeah. Cause my parents doesn't want me spending all my time talking to you. How the fuck can you think I'd fall for someone else Tiffany?" His tone sounded both hurt and mad.

Good-job! You broke it off without even knowing!

"Uhm..."

"Is that all you can say? Uhm?"

Oh no he didn't.

"Tiffany. Tell me the fucken truth. To be honest, I know you're hiding things from me. I can feel it. We've been going out for three whole fucken years. You don't think I know you well enough? If you have something you want to say, say it. Don't give me this bullcrap of 'Uhms' cause this time, it's not going to work. I'm really getting fed up with this shit cause I've been waiting for you to open up to me and hoping you would but it doesn't seem to be getting any better."

"I'm sorry..."

"Is that all you have to say Tiffany? I don't want to hear a 'I'm sorry.' I want an explanation." His voice was a bit more calm.

Tell him how you feel Tiffany. Spill it.

"Uhm..." Words. Words. Words. I couldn't make out what he wanted. I couldn't understand.

Yes you do understand him. You know exactly what to say, Tiffany. Tell him. Tell him. Tell him.

My breathing fasten. My heart's pace increased. If I was hooked up to those heart monitors, the beeping sound would annoy the hell out of you.

"I am sick of this. All of this. Do I have to threaten you? Tell you if you don't tell me what's up I won't talk to you ever again?"

That'd be perfect, actually.

"No... David... I"

"THEN TELL ME."

His screaming made me cringe.

"Uhm... I...."

There was an awkward silence for a minute. A full minute.

"You know what. Fuck it Tiffany. Don't ever talk to me again unless you want to explain yourself. Peace."

"Wai---"

He hung up. My heart froze. My stomach dropped. I could feel the food I ate coming up my throat, wanting to escape my body. I redialed his number. It rung. No answer. I called again. No answer. I called again. It went straight to voice mail.

Clack. Clack. Clack.

You shouldn't be sorry.

Clack. Clack. Clack.

It's not your fault.

Clack. Clack. Clack.

It was bound to happen.

I couldn't feel anything. My heart froze...

Beautiful performance. Good job. You ended it. Now you're free.

My heart. My mind. My soul. Could not... accept it...

--

How long has it been since my heart froze. How long has it been since I last talked to the person ... who I loved dearly?

It has been exactly TWO MONTHS since I heard his voice. No phone calls. No voice mails. No emails. No nothing. How long can I stand it. I sit here and wonder ... how long this can go on. My parents are never home, and if they are ever they don't give a ratass what I do. So I forbid myself from eating. From sleeping. From attending school. From doing anything. So here I sit on my bed. Staring at the phone. Waiting for it to ring. Hoping for him to call. For two months, I sit here and wonder when it'll ring...

Clack. Clack. Clack.

You shouldn't be sorry.

Clack. Clack. Clack.

It's not your fault.

Clack. Clack. Clack.

It was bound to happen.

Then finally, today. Our anniversary... the phone rings. I pray to God to see his caller ID. The fear of disappointment might kill me this time.

DAVID

Don't pick up the phone.

My heart came back alive. I flip up the phone. I ignored it once more.

"David."

"Hi. It has been so long hasn't it?"

"Yes."

"Uhm, I have some stuff to talk to about you."

"Sure. What's up?"

"Uhm, I think we need to move on..."

My heart froze. My stomach churned. If I had food in my stomach, it would want to escape my body.

"What are you talking about? Did you find someone new...?"

"I'm sorry Tiffany."

Sorry my ass.

"What...."

My hand shivered. My whole body felt ice cold.

"Please, don't hate me. Let me explain. Yes, I did find someone new, But, we were rocky you know? I didn't think we could last any longer."

I told you he is an asshole.

"So... you lied."

My words were blunt. But you could hear me shivering while saying those words.

"What are you talking about?"

"David, you said you'd love me forever. Always. That I belonged to you. You're a liar."

Yes. Confront him now.

"What the fuck. You expect us to be together forever, Tiffany?"

"Why the hell would you tell me those things if you didn't LOVE me? What the fuck David. Seriously! If you had a feeling that we were going downhill why say those things? To make me feel good? To make me feel like I'm top of the earth when I'm really down below ground dirt? You were probably bullshitting this whole relationship too. How can you make up so much crap? You expect me to fucken believe you loved me when you said all those shit AND say that you felt that we were going downhill?"

"Tiffanny..."

"Don't give me that 'Tiffanny' shit. Why don't YOU tell me the truth since you seem to be stronger than me."

"Yes, I lied. I felt bad. You seemed happy with me. How could I break your heart?"

See.

"Why the fuck did you say you love me then? Why did you even bother? Why don't you just shoot me in the heart? That'll do less damage than to what I'm feeling. Are you fucken happy now? Did you expect you could live like this forever? To expect me to be happy. To not believe you'd find someone new? What the hell were you thinking, David? I don't even think you were thinking."

My words... spilled out of my heart.

"I don't know what you're thinking. You broke my heart. YOU BROKE IT. Litterally. You never felt ANYTHING for me. Maybe PITY but that's it. You never once loved me. All those kisses, all those promises, all those... NONE OF IT MATTERS. You gave it up for some girl. You're a liar and I don't even want to speak to you ever again. You... broke my heart. You thought you were making me happy when you just made my life a living hell. I hope you're satisified with what you did. You sure did make me feel like I was on top of the world, but right now I feel like I'm the lowest person on earth for believing you actually cared about me. For putting effort and love into this. For actually giving you love."

"... How the fuck can you say all of that? You think I didn't love you?"

"No. I don't think you did. You don't have to pretend anymore. I know you don't. So good-bye David. Good-bye forever."

I flipped the phone down and took the battery out. I went downstairs and cut all the phone lines. I closed all the windows. Drew the curtains. Went up into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror.

Good-job.

There was a girl. Tiffany. But, what would I do now? My everything is gone.

There are other fishes in the sea.

But I wanted that specific fish...

He didn't love you. Move on.

Can't I just... escape this place?

Don't tell me you're...

I want to ....

I look at the tub. Tub tub tub. I could just fill it all the way. Play a game with myself. See how long I can stay underwater. So I agree with myself. And fill the tub all the way and undress. I step into the tub naked. Sit down and push myself underwater.

Good-bye.

THE END.

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Title:	Untitled - Chapter 3
Date:	2008-10-25 @ 09:09
Security:	public
Music:	Broken - Seether and Amy Lee

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away, you don't feel me, here anymore
-Broken by: Amy lee and Seether

Forget me.

Forget me not.

Forget me.

Feelings. Can they be changed in a spilt second? Maybe you could love someone one minute and hate them the next. It's actually pretty interesting that, that can happen. I mean, I could love him one minute and a millisecond later, I could hate him. Now, it makes me think. How do people actually deal with that? Anyone in our lives could love us one minute and then hate us the next.

...What if he hates me instead of loves me?

---

Hahaha.

It's too late.

Hahaha.

You should have listen.

Hahaha.

Don't you regret it?

My head throbs. The ground is not a good pillow. The pain in my head makes me forget about the disgusting smell of my blood.

Great. Are you happy now?

I pick myself up and look at the rocks. Emotional pain should be a sin. It should be illegal. If only I couldn't feel all of this.

If you couldn't feel, you wouldn't be alive.

"I'd rather be dead right now." Burning hot water runs down my cheek. Tears. Tears. Tears.

Stop hurting yourself. You could end it right now.

I walk up the stairs. One, two, three, four. Tell me that you love me more.

More like tell me the truth.

I reach my room. My room is filled with him. Pictures. Memories. Everything.

Hahaha.

It's too late.

Hahaha.

You should have listen.

Hahaha.

Don't you regret it?

The doorknob comes into contact with my hand. I turn it. Same-o. Same-o.

Throw out those nasty pictures.

My phone comes to life. So lively. So lively.

DAVID

"Hello?"

"Hi sweetie."

Crash! There goes your heart.

"What's up?"

"Nothing much! What are you doing?"

"Just sitting around. I have to start homework. Tons to do." My tone changed quickly to a happy one.

Faker. Faker. Faker.

"Awww. Did Ms. Peters give you a butt load again?"

Like you care.

"Yeah. I also have tons of Pre-cal homework."

"Awww. I really wanted to talk to you too but you need the time to do homework."

"No, no! We can talk. I have tons of time."

"Are you sure?"

No. You're not sure.

"Yeah. I am. Don't worry about it."

---

Hahaha.

It's too late.

Hahaha.

You should have listen.

Hahaha.

Don't you regret it?

I ended up staying up till 4 in the morning. This is what I get from lying to him. My need for him is like needing air.

No it's not. You just make it that way.

I just need to finish twenty more math problems and I'm finished.

You could have been in bed at ten. You had to talk to him. You know..

I grabbed the book and tossed it across the room. The air is slowly being sucked out of me again. Another anxiety attack maybe?

Hahaha.

It's too late.

Hahaha.

You should have listen.

Hahaha.

Don't you regret it?

I look across the room. His face stares at me. With that smile. That smile. The one that makes my heart skip a beat.

More like make your heart shatter.

I walk up to my favorite picture of him. It was taken on our first year anniversary. He surprised me by taking me on a small boat cruise. It was sweet.

He could have drown you to say good-bye.

I wished he was here.

No you don't.

I gather my stuff and give up on the remaining problems. I had pre-cal at the end of day. I could just skip lunch and finish it in the library.

Great. Now you're giving up your free time to finish stuff because of HIM.

I could get a solid three hours of sleep. I crawl into my bed. Even though I'm wrapped in three layers of blankets, my body is still cold.

That's cause you still love him.

My body won't stop shivering.

Hahaha.

It's too late.

Hahaha.

You should have listen.

Hahaha.

Don't you regret it?

---

I ended up just getting one hour of sleep. I got up and went up the mirror to find a disgusting look girl. She looked exhausted. Exhausted of life. Exhausted... I splash cold water on my face. No pain. No pain. No pain.

And this routine without him continues. The painless anxiety attacks. The yearning for his presence.

---

Five months has passed. I have lived my life without him here for five whole months. Everyday with the same damn attacks and the same phone calls. The same words. The same everything.

Just dump him.

Then that night came. That night. That night. My phone rang at 5PM. Just as it always did everyday.

DAVID

Don't pick up, Tiffany.

"Hello?"

"Hi." His tone wasn't bittersweet this time. But a strange... serious tone. A tone I only heard when we were about to have a fight.

My body stiffened.

"What's up, sweetie?" I asked. My tone not hiding the fear that I felt in my bones.

"Nothing." He sounded annoyed.

Oh great Tiffany. You just had to pick up the damn phone.

"Is something wrong?"

"I just..." He stopped and took a deep breath.

"You just what?" My breathing fasten. My heart beated so hard I could feel the beating against my chest. My bones were shaking. I couldn't focus.

"I'm...sorry." He started sobbing. He thought I couldn't hear it. He thought I was deaf enough to not hear this.

"What do you mean? David. What the fuck did you do?" Bump. Bump. Bump.

Hahaha.

It's too late.

Hahaha.

You should have listen.

Hahaha.

Don't you regret it?

"Tiffany..."

Hahaha. Tiffany. It's the end.

"David. Tell me right now." Tears were running down my eyes.

"Tiffany. I love you. You know that but..." He took another deep breath.

The end!

"Because we're so far... I guess. It's hard for me, you know?"

Kaboom!

Boom. Boom. Clash. Crack.

"Are you bullshitting me? You like someone else? You're a fucken liar." My tears were hot against my cold skin. Burning. Burning Burning.

"Tiffany. I love you, but..."

Hahaha.

It's too late.

Hahaha.

You should have listen.

Hahaha.

Don't you regret it?

I could hear my heart shattering. I could hear my bones breaking. I could hear my life coming to an end. Oh how dramatic can I be?

Author's Note: Everything in this is FICTIONAL.

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Title:	Untitled - Chapter 2
Date:	2008-10-24 @ 20:20
Security:	public
Music:	Save him - Justin Nozuka

Darker clouds cover her paradise
She covers her eyes and hides
Behind enemy lines
-Save him by: Justin Nozuka

Discover me.

Protect me.

Save me.

To what extent would we keep our mouths shut? How much can we actually hide till we explode? Is it actually possible to just keep all the secrets inside? People tell me it's possible. Possible to forever keep your mouth shut. I don't believe in forever, because forever is not a word. Neither is eternity.

---

Crack. Crack. Crack.

No more.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

I can't stand it.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

Please... I beg of you.

My face won't leave the ground. My eyes are attached. Attached to the ground. Solid gray ground. Oh how plain it is. Oh how I wish I was plain like it is.

You could be plain. Plain without him.

I 'm forced to look up for if I didn't, I'd probably go flying from the impact of the car hitting me.

Now wouldn't that be fun? Maybe it'd give you amnesia. I think that'd do you good.

The sun, oh so yellow. So bright. So blinding.

You should follow that light.

I look back down and proceed to school. School School School.

Fun, fun, fun.

Who can actually say they enjoy school? It's actually a waste of time in my opinion.

Liar liar liar.

My phone comes to life and startles me. My hand reaches into my right pocket and forces it out of my tight skinny jeans.

DAVID

Ignore it. Ignore it. Ignore it. It'll ruin everything.

Again, my hand flips the phone up.

"Hello?"

"Hi sweetie!" Again his bittersweet voice.

"Hi."

"Are you walking to school?" He asked in a cheerful tone.

He doesn't deserve to be fucken happy.

"Yup. I'm about ten minutes away. What's up?"

Who cares about him. Why are you asking?

"Nawwthing. I just missed you a lot."

"Aww. I miss you too."

Bullshit.

I notice that while talking to him, I look up and walk straight. Straight straight straight.

"So what are you doing?" I asked.

Why is it always about him?

"Just lying around. It's so boring without you." He whined.

Asshole. Asshole. Asshole. Liar. Liar. Liar.

"Really?"

"Yes."

Stop. Stop. Get the fuck out.

I arrived at school too early.

"I'm at school. I have to get off."

"Already?"

Not enough time to use me?

"Yeah. I'm sorry."

"No. It's okay. I'll talk to you later or something. I love you."

"I love you too."

---

School. School. School. Hell. Hell. Hell. No one's there. Sit alone. Isolated.

Talk talk talk.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

No more.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

I can't stand it.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

Please... I beg of you.

I rush home. To my room. Room. Room. Room. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

NO! STAY OUT.

My breathing increases. The closer I get. The more air I need. The more... The more...

Crack. Crack. Crack.

No more.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

I can't stand it.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

Please... I beg of you.

I can't do this.

Yes you can.

He was my everything.

Stop being a drama queen bitch.

I can't go on.

Stop being childish.

I need him here.

No you don't!

I grabbed my phone. Click. Click. Click. Ring.

"Hello?" He answered.

"Hii sweetie pie." I said in a fake happy tone.

Hahaha. You are so pathetic and weak.

"What's up ? Is something wrong?"

Tell him. Tell him it's him. He's breaking you. Torturing you. Tell him, Tiffany.

"Nope. Just missed you. Hehe." again with that fake happy tone.

Missed. MIssed nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

"Awww. I'm sorry sweetiepie. I'm kind of busy right now. Can I call you later?"

Once again. Cry cry cry. No more.

"Yeah. Of course. Sorry for bothering you."

"No it's okay. I love you."

Crack. Crack. Crack.

No more.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

I can't stand it.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

Please... I beg of you.

"I love you too."

I fall onto my bed. Look at the clock. 2:01. I walk to the bathroom and back. 2:02.

"Fuck. The time is moving by slowly."

That's cause all you ever care about is him. Waiting. Waiting for nothing.

I go outside. Backyard. Backyard. Alone. Alone. My parents ... never there. Never will be. I look at the pile or rocks. All various in sizes.

No more. Tiffany. No more.

I walk up to the medium sized rocks and pick it up. Gripped it. Gripped it. Gripped it the hardest I could. I smell it again.

Smell of disgust.

The red liquid runs down my hands. So cold. So cold. So cold. I grip tighter. I don't want to let go. Stay stay stay.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

No more.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

I can't stand it.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

Please... I beg of you.

There's so much emotions I cannot comprehend. My head is spinning. Maybe from the blood lost. Who knows.

Let go. Let go. Let go.

My confusion grows to anxiety. My breathing's pace fastens. Air won't go into my lungs.

He's suffocating you.

The yard looks black and white. And blank. I feel nothing. Just so empty...

Crack. Crack. Crack.

No more.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

I can't stand it.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

Please... I beg of you.

Author's Note: Everything in this is FICTIONAL.

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Title:	Untitled - Chapter 1
Date:	2008-10-24 @ 15:48
Security:	public
Music:	Butterfly - George Nozuka

Good-bye is what he said, when he said "I'm sorry"
And I, I'm dying on the inside cause I tried,
but I can't hide the tears that fall from my eyes.
-Butterfly by: George Nozuka

i can't.

i won't.

i don't.

There's so many words that are lost. So many words that we, as humans want to express but never get to. Maybe it's the fear of not being accepted for what we say. Or maybe it's just because we don't want to hurt others. Who will ever know? We lack the words to comprehend the full meaning of how we feel. That's my reason for holding back my words...

Then there are words we yearn for everyday of our lives. These words makes us feel like a better person. Maybe that's why everyday I yearn for that "I love you" of yours.

Sometimes the words we need to survive, disappears. No more I love yous. No more nothing. I feel so empty...

But... It's just words ...

---

Bump Bump Bump.

You're my heart.

Bump Bump Bump.

You're my everything.

Bump Bump Bump.

I need you.

I grab the rock. Gripped it the hardest I could till I felt numbness and then threw it across the field. Or try to, that is. I look at my hands. Damn it. My hands were stained with blood. Or was it fake blood? Attention whore. I grabbed onto another rock and flung it across the field. You're pathetic. I pant and wait for it to fade. Don't worry. He'll be back. I stand up and look at the sky. This is all bullshit. The sky was a baby blue. A beautiful day you could say. But who cares? It didn't matter to me. I dragged my feet in the dirt and ended up infront of the gym's huge fountain. You could drown yourself right then and there.

Bump Bump Bump.

You're my heart.

Bump Bump Bump.

You're my everything.

Bump Bump Bump.

I need you.

I drown my hands into the fountain. Drown. Drown. Drown. I heard a familiar voice calling my name.

"Tiffany!" he said.

I turned and saw his face. His name was David. David. David. David. I brought my hands up from the fountain and stared at him.

"What are you doing, sweetie?" he asked.

"Nothing." I replied.

Tell him to fuck off.

"Did you just finish practice?"

Tell him the truth.

"Yeah."

Do you want to die?

"Cool. I'll call you later okay?"

Do you want to cry again?

"Okay."

"I love you." David's voice echoed as he walked away.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

---

Break your phone. Break it. Turn it off. Don't pick up. Reject his call.

My phone came to life singing a song that wasn't suited in my mood. I stared at the caller ID.

DAVID

Don't pick up.

Bump Bump Bump.

You're my heart.

Bump Bump Bump.

You're my everything.

Bump Bump Bump.

I need you.

My hand flipped up the phone and it placed the phone next to my right ear. His voice was bittersweet to my ears.

"Hey honey." he said.

"Hi." I said back.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing. What are you doing?"

"Oh nothing. I'm just sitting here. I missed you."

Crash. You'll fall and you'll get hurt. Don't fall for it. Don't.

"Awww. I missed you too."

Pathetic. Weak. You know you don't need him.

"Sorry, Honey. I need to go. I'm going to hang-out with some friends okay?"

"Okay. Have fun. I love you."

" I love you too. Bye. "

My hand closed the phone.

Bump Bump Bump.

You're my heart.

Bump Bump Bump.

You're my everything.

Bump Bump Bump.

I need you.

I swallowed the lump in my throat.

My name is Tiffany. I'm sixteen. I'm an attention whore when it comes to love especially when David, my boyfriend is willing to give some of the attention to me. I hold back what I say which is bad especially if I don't believe that my boyfriend actually loves me... That question does he really love me? plays in my head every second.

---

"You are what?" I asked.

"I'm moving." he said.

"What?!" I screamed on the top of my lungs.

"Honey. Calm down."

"Don't tell me to fucken calm down. Where are you moving. Why are you moving?"

He's finally going away. It's your chance to escape!

"Well, my dad got a job in California and since my grandma wanted us to move... Well..."

"In ... California?" I stumbled over my words.

Good. Good. Good. Excellent. Escape time. Break-free.

"Honey. No matter where I go... I'll love you."

"I love you too. Promise you'll love me forever?"

"Of course."

"I love you." He said.

" I love you too."

---

The day of his departure was today.

Bump Bump Bump.

You're my heart.

Bump Bump Bump.

You're my everything.

Bump Bump Bump.

I need you.

I was lucky that our parents were close. We drove his family to the airport. Every millimeter closer to the airport we got, my heart broke off a peace of itself off. When we arrived, everyone got out of the car and helped unload. I wrapped my arms around him.

Tiffany, you're free from him. No more of this.

"I love you." His breath touched the back of my neck. It sent a cold shiver up my spine.

"I love you too." Tears ran down my face.

"Don't cry Tiffany. I'll come back. I'll always be yours. Don't worry." He unraveled my grip around his back.

Good-bye. Good-bye. Good-bye.

David lowered and pressed his lips against mines and backed away. He waved goodbye and I waved back.

Bump Bump Bump.

You're my heart.

Bump Bump Bump.

You're my everything.

Bump Bump Bump.

I need you.

---

Listen to your heart.

No your brain is much smarter.

No, Tiffany. Listen to your heart.

Do you want to get hurt?

I awake with cold sweat on my forehead.

"Fuck."

I walk to the bathroom and look at the reflection. All I see is this girl. This normal girl. With black hair. Brown eyes. Red lips.

You're beautiful.

I placed my hand on the mirror.

"If I was beautiful... I would never ask myself those questions."

Love, it's not about you. It's about HIM.

"Shut up. It's not his fault."

I washed my face and brushed my teeth. It was day 1 without him. Last night he called me when he arrived. He told me it was cold and kept sneezing.

"I want to go back to Hawaii!" He whined.

"Then swim here."

While swimming here. Drown and die.

"I should. I miss you so much."

"I miss you too."

Same-o conversations. Just as if he were here. Just as if he were taking a trip. He's not gone forever. Just for now... He'll be back. One day. One day...

I'm alone. David has been in my life for a year now and affected my life in so many ways. I was with him everyday. He was the only person I talked to.. Now that he's gone. My life is so different. So different. So empty.

That's not true. It's full of happiness now.

I slammed my hand on the wall. Day one. Let's see how it goes.

Author's Note: Everything in this is FICTIONAL.

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